Contact: Letterbox and Voices of birth parents

 

One of the most useful webinars i've joined in the adoption prep journey, was one when i was early on in stage one, back in October'21. "Voices of birth parents: Loss, hope and change"

It was run in National Adoption Week by PAC-UK and a Family rights group, who support birth families, whilst also influencing policy and practice.

I'll share some takeaways from it, but actually, i've just found the original video is still online, so you can watch it yourself if you like - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imoR8-865IM 

It shared some birth parents' experiences and asked questions like 'what things did you hold on to to remind you of your child', 'how do you manage birthdays and special days' and 'what worked best for contact.

12 comments I specifically noted: 

1. Contact work best when all prepared in advance and everyone feels listened to and respected". The venue of these meetings is also really important - birth parents prefer somewhere neutral with no memories or triggers nearby. Advise against use of contact centres, where birth families may have seen the children the previous time.
2. Try to keep to time. Some commented about the importance of letterbox arriving when it is meant to arrive - they can be counting down to this happening, to hear about how they’re doing - even if they don't feel able to reply at that moment in time.
3. It's helpful to try to get an understanding of each birth parent/family member - to understand the impact / experiences they are going through. To get the support in place. Some might be angry at the system, some upset and confused, some shut down and ignore it all.  Some had a lot of ranting at the beginning, to let off steam and then some was having laugh, some crying, some moaning.
4. Letterbox is a bridge. Adoptive parents can learn so much from you and we can share the things we learn to help you be more successful in the future. Lives can be turned around. Empathy, acceptance and kindness are your keys here.
5. Exchange of photographs can be a difficult and frustrating issue. Some local authorities have blanket rule, some use a case by case basis (preferred by those captured here). Some do have an arrangement where they go into the office to go into the office to see a photo, but not allowed to take home. In current times, there is often a worry on of birth parent showing pics on social media. 
6. Different children - even in the same family - may need different things. What is right for the eldest is not always the same as what’s right for the youngest.
7. Feedback on their letters is helpful. It's really positive to know that the letters are being read and seeing [adoptive family replies] feed back that they enjoy [birth family] letters. 
8. You may have to ask whether/for birth family has support for letterbox. Social workers and some charities/support orgs - do give birth families support to help with writing the letters back; what things might be good to include, what things to help not to upset the child. what's good for the future 
9. It's important knowing that her past is talked about. They want to be able to show that [the child/ren] is/are loved and will always be loved and able to contact birth family when they're ready. 
10. Really valued the letters they've actually written themselves, that they've physically touched that paper and get to see her handwriting or handprints. 
11. It can be hard to know what to write to balance not too emotional, not too pushy. Some adoptive parents find it really difficult to send those letters, but please keep writing, it is important. Might become open to other forms of contact, even if that’s just little things like photos and so on.
12. Referring to it as ‘contact’ can feel really cold -  “relationships” or “birth family time” has a very different feel.