Contact prep - the emotional rollercoaster

Oh my goodness! I have said I'd share the good and the bad and phew has this been highlighting a lot. This does - so far- have a good ending, but oh my goodness it's been hard work.

I will therefore apologise in advance for some ranting and less positive reflections - this isn't everyone's experience, but it's worth sharing in case this is useful for anyone to be prepared/know it's ok!

Honestly, Getting this set up has been a lot of hard work and nagging that it shouldn't be. I'm going to skip for now the bit of just getting to the stage of engagement with the social worker about direct contact 

The social worker for contact is separate to any of the previous social workers. This social worker's primary responsibility is working with the bio family to support them - though also to be able to assess them - to know the headspace they are in and ensure contact is safe. They are normally responsible for both letterbox and direct contact. They should get the details from the previous assessments, adoption order etc. 

I insisted that the SW met with LO a few times before the contact. 

One month to go:

The first session was mostly focussing on connecting and did touch on the fact they'd be there when we met up with bio-family. My daughter did a drawing for the two family members we're meeting up with.

This one had the biggest fall-out. I think despite the reassurances, there was a worry that an unknown SW visiting here meant that she might have been taken away again. There was a whole lot of rage, especially at me and in this week. (LO wasn't able to articulate this very well)

Two weeks to go:

The second session included talking through, and doing a drawing of, where we would be meeting up with Bio-family. I've made some notes around this conversation, so i'll need to write that up here too when i can. 

One week to go:

We had a third session in the calendar just in case, but decided it wasn't needed. I had a catch up with the SW and did revisit with the pictures etc.

We booked a few days away for the two of us the Monday afterwards! That gave 5 days post contact for rage and processing at home and then a few days away to try to re-solidify but changing the environment. I have no idea if it'll work. Decided on a little UK break whilst I can still take her out of school with minimal implications. They gave some activities so there might be breather spots and a pool for both of us to work out our energy and frustrations.

Two days to contact:
It's all over their social media, but they're currently being vaguely positive about it and SW has promised me that (1) she'll have their phones, (2) they won't know where we're meeting till they're en route and (3) she'll be taking them somewhere else before& after.

It's an hour, supervised in a park.

Little one has been sleeping in my bed and having nightmares. Took three weeks to say what the nightmares were, which was that "the police took you away Mummy and I was left behind". :( Very familiar. 

Friends are struggling to understand why we're going through this. I've tried a bit of explanation including short term pain, hopeful long term gain.  (I do think this is in spite of how the SW has been so far though! I'm doing this with the intent of helping LO's future mental health.)

On the day: 

We talked through about our plans 

- where we were going first. 

- who and how we were meeting & what the setting was, including anything she wanted to bring (she chose her bike to show off her cycling!!).

-where we were going afterwards (a takeaway of her choice - McDonalds)

-that she'd be back in her own bed that night (in the room we were talking about it)

-what once a year meant (once at 4, once at 5, once at 6, ..... - she went up to age 27 when playing it back, but was instantly much more comfortable with what it meant)